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I've been meaning to do this... - Still Life - Fast Moving

May. 4th, 2007

04:27 pm - I've been meaning to do this...

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I know, I haven't actually updated this thing in over a year. Bad me.

So, here is the condensed version.

I love my apartment. The decorating is a slow but steady process. These things take time and money, both of which, I have little of. My living room is almost done, the rest is slowly coming along behind it.

Vinny and I are doing really really well. He's super great.

Sadly, my dog past away last June (the day after my bday). Subsequently, for my birthday this year, my one wish is that none of my loved ones die in the days surrounding my bday, that would be a nice change of pace.

Speaking of my bday, my 5 year college reunion will be taking place that weekend, can you believe it?? I am super excited. The girls and I have been talking a lot and making lots of plans for the weekend, it's going to kick ass.

Work is great. Hasn't been too crazy busy lately, but busy enough to keep me on my toes and enough over time to have some semblance of a disposable income. I have my own office now! This means that I no longer have a window, but, I have a lot more space and can get a lot more done.


Well, first of all, Sophie is the most amazing child on the face of the planet. Having a 13 month old cousin kicks ass!!! She has a crush on my boyfriend and often gives him more smiles and kisses than she does me, still, the very thought of her brings a huge smile to my face.

Sigh, my brother isn't doing so well. He took himself off of his meds back in August, he has also stopped going to any of his doctors. He is now either, cycling manic or using again. We really can't tell. Mom, of course was in denial, but now, it's all about her. Some things never change. I'm on my last nerve with the whole thing. If my mom were consistently on board, it would make things a lot easier. But, we are, as always, on egg shells with her. I simply can't fight with her anymore. I also can't deal with my parents fighting. I hate being back here again. It's been almost 5 years since the last incident. Now, I get to worry that at any given moment my phone is going to ring with news that he ODed, again. As of this moment, I am out of the loop. 2 weeks ago, I was in the middle of it (b/c my parents can't talk to each other about him without it coming to blows). Mom finally agreed to take him to the doctor herself. I asked her how it went "I don't want to talk about it." So, I have no idea again, I just get to worry. I've pretty much reached my breaking point with the whole thing. I get shoved in the middle and then pushed aside. One minute I know everything that's going on, the next, it's all being hidden from me. It's both emotionally and physically draining. I have a feeling the doctor told her that she needs to keep on top of him and she, of course, turns that into being about her and her parenting abilities. She's a whole other can of worms. She doesn't keep on top of him, she doesn't do what she is supposed to, she is not being a good parent. But don't tell her that. She complains to me constantly about how unfair it is and how she is going to have to take care of him for the rest of her life. I haven't been so bold as to remind her that I will then be taking care of HIM for the rest of HIS life (after she and my dad are gone), and I am NOT his parent. Again, no ability to fight with her. It's easier to just say nothing and deal with my own worries as they come.

I realize my ramblings about my brother are rather incoherent, but, that's the best I can do right now...

On a positive note, this whole thing with my brother has made me come to a very big decision. I have drawn up a 2 year plan to move to San Diego!!!!! My best friend, Kim, is moving there next month. I have always loved San Diego and have always wanted to move to California. This whole thing has made me realize that I need to live for me. There really isn't anything I can do for him. Despite not living at home anymore, I am still close enough that there are certain things expected of me (both from them and myself). I need to get out of dodge. This whole thing is taking a huge toll on me, I've spent the past 8 years being shuffled around in this whole mess and I am now at my end. I need to live my life and I need to live it the best that I can. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I've wasted my life because of my brother and all of his issues. For once in my life, it needs to be about me and what I need. .... now, "What about Vinny?" ... If Vinny wants to move to Cali, he can. If he doesn't, well, if we want different things out of life, then so be it. He knows about my plan but we have not made any decisions yet. I don't see him moving to Cali with me and that is fine. I am not going to break up with him now over a decision that doesn't need to be made for quite some time. I love Vinny, I really do. But, I never said that he was the "one", while it will be hard leaving him, I don't see it as being something either of us would regret. We are both happy with the way things are now. Neither of us is ready to make any decisions about marriage and what not, we are content just being together for now. Immature for our age, maybe, but I am the child of a messy divorce, I am going to be ridiculously cautious when it comes to these things. I'm young, I have plenty of time. Down with the social pressures!
So, why 2 years. Ideally, I would like to do it in 1 year. However, financially speaking, 2 years is the more realistic. We shall see.

Well, that's about it. Let's hope I do this again before next year!

Current Location: My office
Current Mood: draineddrained
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