Growing Up is Hard to do - Still Life - Fast Moving
Feb. 14th, 2006
09:25 pm - Growing Up is Hard to do
This isn't the first time I've been through this. We've all been through some kind of break up at some point in our lives. This isn't the worst break up I've been through either. In fact, this one was one of the cleanest breaks I've had yet. We still want to be friends, we still care, hell, we still love one another. But, the truth is, we want different things. He wants to take it easy, take his time and have fun. I want something more, I want more than fun, I want to be an adult.
He announced on Saturday, as I was parking the car to meet the real estate broker, that he doesn't want to move in with me. He simply isn't ready for such a step. Which is fine with me. I wish he had said something at some point over the past five months and not five minutes before we were going to be renting an apartment but hey, he wanted to try and make me happy. I can't be mad at him for that. And I would rather know now then say, three months after we'd been living together. Sure, I was pissed, at first, but now I see that it was for the best anyway.
On the rational level, this is the best decision, no use treading water for a few more years, the clock has already begun to tick. Yet, my heart hurts more than it has ever hurt before. My head is spinning faster than ever and my eyes are more dried up that I ever thought possible. I've never been with anyone anywhere near this long. I've never really had a boyfriend that was also my best friend. We share friends, our families have known each other for over 20 years, he works for my step-mom for god's sake! I guess in the regard it is a good thing that we ended on a good note, things could get really messy and really complicated very easily.
I don't really know what I am trying to say here. As I said, my head is spinning and I can't make it stop long enough to truly understand what I am thinking. Part of me feels devastated, like I want to crawl under the covers and hide there until my hair has turned gray and my eyesight has faded to nothingness. Yet, part of me feels alive and ready for what lies ahead of me. One minute I cry my eyes out, the next, I breathe a sigh of relief. I feel like this is a good sign. It would obviously not be a good thing if I couldn't function any further as a human being and would be a pretty poor tribute to our relationship if I skipped around whistling Dixie.
I guess that's it.
Yeah, that's all there is to it.